Help! Parents’ Divorce: Reassurance is Needed

Hello everyone,

Today I thought I’d write about my parents’ recent separation, because I feel like I haven’t even had the chance to really process it properly.

My parents have been having problems with their marriage for as long as I can remember. There were always arguments; often times, the tension from them would linger in the air for days. My dad spent a lot of time away from home, travelling with various bands around the country and spending all his time in his recording studio when he was actually home. His music always came before his family, and my mother was left to raise three girls on her own the majority of the time.

My father is not a bad person. I just want to get that point across before I continue with this post. He dealt with a lot of tough things growing up, and I’m not saying that excuses the way he was… but it’s an explanation. My father struggles with mental illnesses, and that’s tough for anyone to live with. I understand that, as I’ve lived with mental illness myself… which is why I’ve allowed myself to forgive him.

If you’ve been following my blog for a long time, you’ll know that I am a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship. But what you may not know is that I, along with my sisters and my mom, were emotionally abused by my narcissistic father. I grew up with him manipulating all of our emotions, and that was my “normal”. That’s why it took me so long to leave my abusive relationship later on in my teen years. But that’s another story that I’ve told too many times.

My boyfriend and I were visiting my family one weekend when my mother casually mentioned that she and my father were no longer together. I was (understandably) upset and let a few tears slip out, but I wasn’t necessarily shocked. I think I’m more shocked that it took so long. That night, my mom, sisters, and I all sat down together and talked for hours. Our mom told us all the details she’d kept quiet about for years, and we all agreed that we felt relieved without my father’s presence in the house.

Currently, I’m the only one speaking to my father, and he’s grateful for it. He helped me get my new car on the road, and helped my boyfriend and I move several hours away. I don’t bother trying to correct him when he tells me about where the problems stemmed from in his and my mother’s marriage. He believes it was all because my mother was too self-conscious and never trusted him when he left home. He’s a narcissist. He does not and will not understand. But he is my father, and he loves me. Sometimes we have to do difficult things for our loved ones… even if that means clenching your teeth and just listening, which is what I’ve had to do for my father.

I think the hardest part about all of this is the uncertainty. When my parents were together, it was always certain that we’d go on our traditional camping trips, and holidays would be spent together, at home. Nothing is the same anymore. I’m nervous for the holidays to get here because for the first time in my life, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing. I don’t know where I will be and who I will be with.

I’m afraid for the near future, and the far future. Will my mom remarry? Will I have step-relatives?  What if my father starts dating a psychopath? I could totally see that happening. This is all so strange to me. Nobody ever really talks about what it’s like to have your parents split up when you’re an adult. I don’t really know how to cope with this, so I’ve been doing what I usually do… which is ignore the problem until it grows into a bigger problem and I have a mental breakdown.

Has anyone else out there ever had their parents split up when you were in your twenties/adult years? Please help.

xx Emily

Hello From the Adult Side!

Erm… hello there…

I’m not exactly sure why I stopped writing here. I kind of started to feel guilty about it because nobody I personally know knows that this blog exists. Not even my cat… and he knows pretty much everything about me. He even watches me poop. Anyways… I was looking back at old posts from like a million years ago and then realized I have over 400 followers here who are probably dying to hear from me. I bet the suspense is killing you all…

Drum-roll, please!

I graduated college, and then briefly worked two jobs that involved taking care of children and serving food to cranky nuns with dementia. I finally bought a car! My parents separated and things started getting stressful and dramatic.I spent a few nights crying on my kitchen floor at strange hours (as I always do when things get particularly tough). Then I packed everything up and moved hundreds of miles away with my boyfriend and my cat to an awesome, huge apartment on the Hudson River. And now we are settled in and I am a preschool teacher. I get to change poopy pants all day and scold kids for picking their noses.

There you go, now you’re all caught up! Whew!

It is absolutely mind-boggling to think about where I was when I started this blog, and where I am now. I used to be posting here as an emotional, overly-dramatic teenager, and now I’m posting as an emotional, overly-dramatic adult. No, but seriously, things are so different now. Like, I pay bills, and drive my car to work every morning, and… get this… I converse with people. Yes, you read it here, folks; I hold actual conversations with actual people. *wipes a tear from my eye* I’m so grown up, now!

I don’t really know what else to write, and it’s past my bedtime. I don’t have teenage angst to keep me up at all hours of the night anymore, so staying up past 9:00 is a struggle like no other! Maybe I will post here again sometime soon. Maybe I won’t. I can’t make promises with this thing anymore.

xx Emily xx

 

My new life!

Don’t worry, I’m still alive. I just haven’t really had the motivation to write in a few weeks… for several different reasons. Firstly, I’ve been attempting to keep depression at bay. If you’ve ever struggled with depression yourself, you’ll understand how difficult it is to get anything done; it all seems pointless. So I’ve been focusing all the attention I can on school work. It’s been really hard. For a couple weeks, I just felt really angry and frustrated (probably because I just didn’t want to be depressed), and I needed to spend some time alone. But as I get deeper into the semester, I can feel the symptoms dwindling away. I’m so relieved.

A couple weeks ago, my family moved to a new house. Four days later, I moved into my apartment in the city. So much change, so much stress, and so many mixed feelings. I’m actually quite proud of myself for pulling through all of that, much more smoothly than I anticipated. I’m finally settling into a routine and I can feel my brain starting to settle down as well.

But I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still extremely stressed and anxious, which I’m expecting to get worse as my work load increases immensely… five English classes and a part time job is not going to be easy. But yesterday I received an email about weekly group therapy sessions for overcoming anxiety, and today, I reserved a spot for myself. The sessions will start next week, and I’m kind of nervous about it, but I’m also sort of excited. Talking to someone who understands what I’m going through is something I’m rarely able to do. Anxiety is such a complex issue, and I’m so interested to learn about others’ experiences… and possibly even share some of my own. It’s a major part of who I am, and it’s scary; terrifying, actually. But I’m going to try something new. I’m going to say “yes” for once.

I’m happy to be living so independently now. I feel more free to try new things and to enjoy life more. I’m not confined to a dorm room anymore. I get to come home to my boyfriend and my cat every night. My boyfriend and I can cook and eat dinner together, I can sit on my porch and enjoy the sunset while I do homework, I can go to my kitchen for a midnight snack in my bare feet, I can do so many things. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m unhappy with the way my life is going right now. I am truly happy and I know that I’m heading in the right direction. Depression just makes it a little more challenging to be happy, I suppose. But I’m working on it. I will get there soon.

The Big Move.

Today is the day. I have spent countless hours pacing my room, staring at the ceiling, and imagining the moment when I see him again. And now I’m down to one hour and I don’t know what to do with myself. Tonight we’re going to move into our home… we’ve both worked and sacrificed so much for this. We’ve been separated for months and it has taken its toll on our hearts, but it will all be worth it in just a short while, when we’re reunited again… for good this time.

I’ve been on autopilot this entire week. My family officially moved to their new house a few days ago, and having to go through such a major change so quickly has made me a little depressed. But today I feel more awake than I have in a long time. I’m excited to start this new adventure with my best friend. I know it sounds cheesy, but the closer he gets to my house, the more complete I feel. I’ve felt like a deflated balloon this entire summer, and now it feels like I’m being pumped back up with happiness the closer he gets.

Only eight minutes have passed since I’ve started writing. I’m buzzing with excitement and nervousness and I cannot sit still, oh my gosh. I love that I still get the butterflies after nearly 2 1/2 years together. I can’t wait to show him our new home.

Our roommates want to play beer pong with us tonight and have a campfire. It’s weird to think about how I can legally drink now and that I’m about to move into a place I’ve worked and paid for. I thought I was still twelve… wasn’t I just twelve?!

I need to hurry and pack my things because he will be here in less than an hour. This post was written just to pass the time, but I think I may keep it for future purposes.

Difficult Changes…

I am going through a very difficult time right now. I’m in the process of moving to not one, but two different places… and everything else around me is changing as well.

Leaving your childhood home is never easy, but watching your family do it without you is more difficult than you could ever imagine. The bedroom in the new house that was supposed to be mine – the one that I spent hours working on and perfecting – is being taken over by my parents and changed into a storage room/office. They didn’t even have the decency to wait until I moved out to start taking over my space. They have taken some of my personal belongings and they have given them to my sisters without my knowledge. To say that I’m hurt is an understatement…

Unfortunately, I’ve let my frustration with my family get the better of me this past week, and I’ve made some consequential decisions, which I’m constantly beating myself up over. My anger and hurt comes out in little bursts and affects whoever is around me at that unfortunate moment… and it’s the littlest things that set me off. And what’s worse is that my family is making me feel like my pain and frustration is invalid. Each and every time I attempt to express my emotions, I’m shut down with an eye-roll, a sigh of annoyance, or a scolding. I’m beginning to think I’m crazy. It wouldn’t be so bad if someone would just tell me that it’s okay to be stressed, and that it’s okay to feel hurt sometimes. Unfortunately, the only people I’m around are the ones causing the pain… the very people that are supposed to be supporting me: my family.

It is hard to have to stare at your neighbors’ vacant house and know that yours is soon to be doomed to the same fate. It is hard to walk into the newly furnished home that you worked so hard on with your family, and know that they will be living there without you. It is hard to look around your once familiar home, and see nothing but bare, dusty squares on the walls that once held your childhood photos. It is hard to maneuver around boxes and boxes of all the things that once had a specific place in your home and in your heart, knowing that none of it will ever be the same again.

It is so very hard.

YouTube?

Hello followers!

So, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking lately about something I’d like to do. Actually, it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time… YouTube. I know it probably sounds kind of weird, but it’s becoming more and more accepted and making videos is something I’ve loved doing for a very, very long time. And, as you all know, I love being able to share my creativity with an audience (hence, the blog).

But here’s what I’m thinking: poetry videos. I write poetry, transcribe them into videos, and voila! In fact, my boyfriend, who is an amazing musician/producer, is even willing to create music to go along with the videos.

This is something I’ve been turning over in my head for so long, and I kind of think I’m ready to take the big step and buy a camera. For any of you writers out there, it’s kind of like when you get a brilliant idea for a new poem and you can’t stop thinking about it until you finally have that final, polished poem in front of you. It’s exactly like that. I used to film all the time during my early teenage years, and the urge to start filming again is so strong, I don’t think I can ignore it much longer.

So… I guess this is me announcing my new YouTube channel? How many of you would be interested in poetry videos?

Future, here I come!

Hi everyone,

I haven’t been posting as much as I’d have liked to this summer, but I’ve been working nearly every day and it’s so hard to find enough time to do all the things I’d like to do. But making all those sandwiches and pizzas is paying off, though! I’ve finally saved up enough for the final payment on our apartment and it feels so good! I almost cried tears of joy when I sealed up that last envelope of cash. It’s becoming more and more real as we get closer to the lease-signing. My boyfriend and I went shopping for kitchen supplies last week while here was up for a visit and it was way too exciting. I never thought picking out measuring cups and plates could be so much fun! But that is why the two of us are so good together… everything we do is the best thing ever.

It’s so crazy how much my life has turned around these last two years, all because I met a boy. The farther I get from who I used to be, the harder it is to believe that any of it was real. And it’s so crazy to think about how I’m going to be with my best friend every day after we move in. After spending two years long-distance, we’re finally going to be together for good. I don’t even know how to explain it… but every time I think about the future, I just get this huge grin on my face. It wasn’t too long ago that I couldn’t even picture a future for myself. Even though I don’t know exactly what my future is going to be, I at least know what direction I’m going in.

And I’m so happy.