Why, Hello There

Oh… hey there, strangers.

I believe it’s been, what, four years since I’ve last posted here? Jesus.

Obviously, a lot has happened. My boyfriend and I still live and work in the same area we spontaneously moved to several years ago. We’re happy here. We’ve found home here. But what has changed in those four years? So, so much.

Last year we moved into our first house together. An actual HOUSE. We’re renting it, but are in the process of possibly (?) buying a home. It’s a really long, complicated story that I don’t want to get into right now. Anyways, since moving in, we’ve started fostering kittens! That’s been a huge life-changer for the both of us. We also adopted a dog in November! His name is Henry and he’s a pain in the ass… but I love him. Uh… what else? I’m still a preschool teacher, but in a different daycare. I love it there and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon! I got my CDA in November, as well! I became a godmother in August; my best friend had a beautiful baby girl!

I’m not really sure what else to write right now. There’s literally four years worth of stuff to write about and it’s a bit overwhelming! I just had the sudden urge to spill it all out again, like in the old days. I honestly forgot about this blog! If anyone is still out there… wow. I will most likely be posting here again soon once my mind settles down and I can hear my thoughts. Lots of crazy stuff going down right now. Ugh.

Help! Parents’ Divorce: Reassurance is Needed

Hello everyone,

Today I thought I’d write about my parents’ recent separation, because I feel like I haven’t even had the chance to really process it properly.

My parents have been having problems with their marriage for as long as I can remember. There were always arguments; often times, the tension from them would linger in the air for days. My dad spent a lot of time away from home, travelling with various bands around the country and spending all his time in his recording studio when he was actually home. His music always came before his family, and my mother was left to raise three girls on her own the majority of the time.

My father is not a bad person. I just want to get that point across before I continue with this post. He dealt with a lot of tough things growing up, and I’m not saying that excuses the way he was… but it’s an explanation. My father struggles with mental illnesses, and that’s tough for anyone to live with. I understand that, as I’ve lived with mental illness myself… which is why I’ve allowed myself to forgive him.

If you’ve been following my blog for a long time, you’ll know that I am a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship. But what you may not know is that I, along with my sisters and my mom, were emotionally abused by my narcissistic father. I grew up with him manipulating all of our emotions, and that was my “normal”. That’s why it took me so long to leave my abusive relationship later on in my teen years. But that’s another story that I’ve told too many times.

My boyfriend and I were visiting my family one weekend when my mother casually mentioned that she and my father were no longer together. I was (understandably) upset and let a few tears slip out, but I wasn’t necessarily shocked. I think I’m more shocked that it took so long. That night, my mom, sisters, and I all sat down together and talked for hours. Our mom told us all the details she’d kept quiet about for years, and we all agreed that we felt relieved without my father’s presence in the house.

Currently, I’m the only one speaking to my father, and he’s grateful for it. He helped me get my new car on the road, and helped my boyfriend and I move several hours away. I don’t bother trying to correct him when he tells me about where the problems stemmed from in his and my mother’s marriage. He believes it was all because my mother was too self-conscious and never trusted him when he left home. He’s a narcissist. He does not and will not understand. But he is my father, and he loves me. Sometimes we have to do difficult things for our loved ones… even if that means clenching your teeth and just listening, which is what I’ve had to do for my father.

I think the hardest part about all of this is the uncertainty. When my parents were together, it was always certain that we’d go on our traditional camping trips, and holidays would be spent together, at home. Nothing is the same anymore. I’m nervous for the holidays to get here because for the first time in my life, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing. I don’t know where I will be and who I will be with.

I’m afraid for the near future, and the far future. Will my mom remarry? Will I have step-relatives?  What if my father starts dating a psychopath? I could totally see that happening. This is all so strange to me. Nobody ever really talks about what it’s like to have your parents split up when you’re an adult. I don’t really know how to cope with this, so I’ve been doing what I usually do… which is ignore the problem until it grows into a bigger problem and I have a mental breakdown.

Has anyone else out there ever had their parents split up when you were in your twenties/adult years? Please help.

xx Emily

Hello From the Adult Side!

Erm… hello there…

I’m not exactly sure why I stopped writing here. I kind of started to feel guilty about it because nobody I personally know knows that this blog exists. Not even my cat… and he knows pretty much everything about me. He even watches me poop. Anyways… I was looking back at old posts from like a million years ago and then realized I have over 400 followers here who are probably dying to hear from me. I bet the suspense is killing you all…

Drum-roll, please!

I graduated college, and then briefly worked two jobs that involved taking care of children and serving food to cranky nuns with dementia. I finally bought a car! My parents separated and things started getting stressful and dramatic.I spent a few nights crying on my kitchen floor at strange hours (as I always do when things get particularly tough). Then I packed everything up and moved hundreds of miles away with my boyfriend and my cat to an awesome, huge apartment on the Hudson River. And now we are settled in and I am a preschool teacher. I get to change poopy pants all day and scold kids for picking their noses.

There you go, now you’re all caught up! Whew!

It is absolutely mind-boggling to think about where I was when I started this blog, and where I am now. I used to be posting here as an emotional, overly-dramatic teenager, and now I’m posting as an emotional, overly-dramatic adult. No, but seriously, things are so different now. Like, I pay bills, and drive my car to work every morning, and… get this… I converse with people. Yes, you read it here, folks; I hold actual conversations with actual people. *wipes a tear from my eye* I’m so grown up, now!

I don’t really know what else to write, and it’s past my bedtime. I don’t have teenage angst to keep me up at all hours of the night anymore, so staying up past 9:00 is a struggle like no other! Maybe I will post here again sometime soon. Maybe I won’t. I can’t make promises with this thing anymore.

xx Emily xx